6. Rub the belly.
I am NOT your Buddha statue. No good luck here, just a swift kick to the groin.
7. Tell her how to give birth.
Oh, I’m sorry, were we writing your birth plan or mine? I can and will choose the strategies that work best for me and my baby.
8. Tell her how to raise the child.
We’re not even there yet, and my brain can barely handle keeping track of my car keys, let alone planning out my child’s next 18 years of life in utero. Cut me a little slack, please!
9. Deny her the food she’s craving.
It doesn’t matter if she wants eggnog in July or watermelon in January. Cravings are cravings, man! Git ‘er done!
10. Wake her up.
There is absolutely nothing in heaven or hell that is worth dragging me out of my precious, limited slumber. It takes hours to get comfortable enough to finally sleep, and then I have to pee, and then I have to turn every 30 minutes or so to stay comfortable, and then I have to pee, and then I have to get up for a drink of water, and then I have to pee, and then the baby karate chops my lungs, and then I have to pee, and then I have to get up because I’m starving, and then I have to pee, and then I can’t go back to sleep again… And after all that, when I finally got a little rest… you decided to wake me up???
11. Comment on her moodiness.
I have one word for you — JUSTIFIED! I’d like to see how happy you can be when you have to live with constant sickness, carrying around a bowling ball in your belly, perpetually starving, with no private space, with everyone asking personal questions, having cravings that are like an itch you can’t scratch, and never being comfortable ever again. And that’s all assuming the baby is fine and healthy.
12. Tell her that her body is screwed.
Well…maybe yours is.
13. Ask about future kids.
Whaaa… I… Who… How… Umm… When… Why… No. Just no.
14. Tell her she’s lucky.
A moment of seriousness.
There are too many times when people compare their situations to another’s without knowing all the details.
– Don’t tell someone she’s lucky she’s only having one baby instead of multiples. What if she lost one or more? (Watch for the purple butterfly in the hospital!)
– Don’t tell someone they’re lucky they’re NOT pregnant. What if they’re dying to have a family?
– Don’t tell someone they’re lucky they don’t have other kids. What if they’d been trying for years and it’s the first time they’ve been able to conceive?
DO tell everyone how lucky they are to be involved in the amazing miracle of creating another human being, giving life, becoming a mother.
– Tell her that she’s a trooper to hang in there through thick and thin for the sake of this sweet unborn child.
– Tell her that everything will be ok, and that her fears are valid.
– Tell her that you’ll be there no matter what and that she can count on you.
– Tell her that her unborn child is lucky to have her.
– Tell her that pregnancy, labor & delivery, and parenthood are the best thing that ever happened to you- because they truly are!
There you go, simple and easy to follow. Now you know how to have happy relationships with the pregnant people in your life. You’ve been warned!