Keeping the Romance Alive with “Date Night”


For date night on Saturday, me and my old man went to Bed Bath & Beyond. Got new sheets and finally, FINALLY, a Keurig coffee machine. The procrastination allowed us to invest in the brand new Keurig 2.0 (cue oooohs and ahhhhs). I’m drinking my second cup of Keurig coffee (10 oz., strong setting) this morning. Tully’s Hawaiian Blend.

We brought five coupons with us to the store and when I asked what we could use them on (because the fine print said Keurig products were exempt) she said, “everything”.

“Everything?” I asked, and she nodded patiently like this customer did not comprehend the word.

Enter the “moral dilemma” because: do I point out that the coupon says “no” to Keurig products? Or do I defend myself in court later by saying, well, this long-and-dark-haired chick works here, she’s the professional. She should know. I’m sure they went over this in BBB Orientation and included it in the corporate Welcome Packet.

And then the prosecuting attorney would say, “Ignorance is no excuse for the law, Nanny Goats!” And then my boozing, Bozo-lookalike attorney would scream from across the courtroom, “Objection, your honor! Irrelevant!” And then the judge would say, “Overruled”, and turn to me and say, “Where did you get this Bozo?” and I would say while wringing my sweaty palms, “Errrrm, Craigslist?”

It’s like when the cashier gives you too much change. Do you say anything? Or do you figure you get screwed over so much in life that it’s finally coming around; this extra five bucks is payback for those times when someone shorted me because I never pay attention or count the change when someone hands it to me, I just assume they can count, it’s part of the job description, they had to pass some test upon hiring, right?

Besides, Bed Bath & Beyond has a precedent of ignoring the coupon rules anyway because you can use expired coupons. Like, really expired. Like, last night I handed her a couple that died in 2013. Which is what my online classified clown of a quack lawyer would self-righteously bring to the attention of the sleepy jury to get me off.

The sheets we purchased at Bed Bath & Beyond were a sort of royal egg blue which, after they were put on the bed, looked horrible with the other colors of the bedclothes. I wanted chocolate brown sheets, but the old man said no because it’s harder for him to see fleas. Or earwigs. Or mouse poo. Or maybe it was bedbugs (which, just so you know, we don’t have, but he would never know that if he couldn’t see them either way and plus, in a marriage you have to pick your battles).

Also, who are we trying to impress with our bedroom? No one would know that we lacked interior decorating skills unless I idiotically posted a picture on the internet announcing that our sheets don’t match our comforter.

Man, this coffee is good. I think I’ll go make another cup.

unmatching bedsheets

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