Starbucks’ Unicorn Frappuccino is a Weapon of Mass Diabetes

Honestly, folks do not want us to have nice things, like long lives where we don’t struggle with the gout or get our feet cut off from extreme case of “the sugars.” Folks like Starbucks, who just released a new drink called the Unicorn Frappuccino. It’s a limited edition offering, available nationwide until April 23.

This drink is nothing but a weapon of mass diabetes, because even looking at a picture of the thing makes me feel like I need to go detox. It is a frozen drink that is both sweet and sour and topped with some pink and blue sugars. According to the Starbucks site, it has milk, whipped cream, frappuccino syrup, mango syrup, pink powders, blue drizzle (WHET?), sour blue powders. Because someone’s 7 year old sweet-obsessed kid was allowed to create a recipe for a global food chain. It is basically the dreams of Hansel and Gretel and dentists who need to fund their new vacation homes come true.

It looks like teeth decay in a cup. The way my adult chompers are set up, they hurt at the sight of the Unicorn Frap. It looks like it tastes like red food dye, peppermint sticks and teeth fillings. I am not brave enough to find out what it really tastes like but a piece on the Washington Post says it tastes like “sour birthday cake and shame.” I trust them.

It doesn’t just LOOK sweet. The label of the Unicorn Frappuccino is available on the Starbucks website and it shows there are 76 grams of sugar in every 24 oz. cup.

Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino Label


It is basically a government tool created to rot us all from the inside. I think it’s some pharmaceutical company’s conspiracy to continue to profit off our collective pain cuz if we all drink this, surely we’ll need to be on some hard prescription drugs to reverse the effects. Folks gon need instant shots of insulin behind this.

SEVENTY-SIX. HOW IS THIS LEGAL? There’s gotta be some regulation against beverages that can cause you instant diabetes when you were previously a healthy human. Is the FDA busy? Can we wake them up? Oh. That ain’t how they work? FINE. No one should be drinking 76 grams of sugar in a small cup. I know that much. I feel like you’ll drink this and instantly turn radioactive and ensure that your body will never decompose since you will be now made of 76% preservatives. NOPE.

And by the way, it’s also 500 calories. As in when you drink the whole thing, you’ve consumed 1/4th of the calories you’re supposed to take in for 24 hours. And 79 grams of carbs? BRUH. NAWL. The power of Christ compels us all to rebuke this drink. I’m not the healthiest eater. My vice is eating white rice and pastas. Some people smoke, others drink. I eat too much rice. I prefer my unhealthy carbs to come with delicious stew and goat meat.

Anywho, it’s almost like Starbucks wants to kill us all. They don’t have to, though. We’ll all be dead of high blood pressure anyway by 2020 if Trumplethinskin remains our crappy overlord president.

Go home, America! You’re drunk and high on this unicorn trend. And go drink some water. Brush your teeth while you’re at it too. Let’s pretend this drink never happened.

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