Update – we also added some super serious new micro-holidays that will be coming in 2018 at the bottom of the post.
We’re finally getting the first official Battle for Azeroth patch notes! And they’re real! Totally 100% real, featuring such amazing additions that players have been asking for for a long time: Appear Online, Impersonal Loot, Master Loot for herb, mining and other nodes, and some truly amazing additions to classes, as you’d expect from a new expansion, like a third spec for Demon Hunters, Angery, Captain Azeroth summoned by Avenging Shield and much, much more!
April 1 (source)
New Feature: Appear Online
With this patch, we’ve added full support for players who wish to appear online at all times. Now, when you log out of World of Warcraft, you’ll still appear to be online farming random battlegrounds or dungeons. We really hope you enjoy this highly-requested new layer of confusion being added to your personal relationships.
New Loot Type: Impersonal Loot
When you select this option, loot will be practically thrown at you. It’s not even placed nicely on the boss’s body or in a chest or something. It’s just flung in your direction. Those gloves almost hit your face just now! Ugh!
New Toy: Narcissa’s Black Mirror
Use: Ports you into a post-modern urban landscape where that one weird thing all the kids are doing with their Insta has been taken to the farthest extremes and now defines your very existence.
Equip: Integrates your DPS meters with your social media. If you drop too low, all your relationships IRL will crumble.
New Feature: Royale Battlegrounds
Drop into a massive free-for-all where you and 99 other unknown players will battle to be the last one standing.
Everyone starts each round with no equipment, talents, or class abilities; you’ll have to find them hidden around the map (or take them from your opponents) to survive.
Earn exciting new rewards like special cosmetic gear, a new “Fort Knight” title, and more.
Coming soon to Android and iOS!
New Mythic Keystone dungeon affixes:
Frothing – A mass of tiny bubbles builds up from the floor as you go. Not bad at first, but …
Languid – Everything and everyone in the dungeon just kind of feels like taking some extra time and really savoring the moment.
Smacking – Someone in this dungeon is eating very loudly and oh my god if they take one more bite I am going to RAGE.
Spackling – All holes and crevices in the dungeon are slowly being filled with putty and smoothed over. It’s really distracting, yet oddly satisfying at the same time.
Twerking – Okay, this was a bad idea.
All mailboxes, herbs, and mining nodes now offer the master loot option.
The Auction House Dance Party has been moved to just outside the Auction House.
All auctioneers have relocated to just outside the Auction House, so that they can participate in the Auction House Dance Party.
Due to concerns for the wellbeing of auctioneers, who are now standing outside and exposed to the elements, all Auction House structures have been shifted over to provide them with cover.
Fixed a bug where this could be us, but you playin’.
Some flight masters now offer passengers little bottles of water and choice of music.
That one building in Stormwind that has been under construction for over seven years has been declared a historical monument and will remain as-is in perpetuity.
The drop rates of mounts from raids and dungeons have been adjusted to ensure that that one mount you’ve been farming for the past 3 years will drop immediately for the newest member of your guild.
Fixed an issue causing Gamon’s Braid to occasionally summon a Gamon who wasn’t remotely interested in saving any of us.
All player characters have been provided with 5% more class fantasy.
Anti-Magic Shell now comes in four delicious candy flavors!
Bone Shield number of bones increased to 20 (was 3). There just weren’t enough bones to really shield you from anything, TBH.
Dancing Rune Weapon has gotten so good at doing what you do that it would like to try working somewhere else for a while. Maybe get a place of its own.
Due to global warming, Remorseless Winter is now about 10% less remorseless, depending on whose numbers you believe.
Sindragosa’s Fury can now be glyphed to summon other interesting dragons:
Chillmaw’s Fury, which circles around and around.
Hailscorn’s Fury, which hails you scornfully.
Sapphiron’s Fury, which takes a while to spin up.
Infected Claws is just a super gross idea.
Pestilent Pustules is now 20% more fun to say out loud. Pestilent Pustules.
Sludge Belcher has been reunited with its relatives and is once again making burgers.
Fixed a bug that was causing Chaos Blades to behave predictably.
Havoc Demon Hunters have been given proper instruction on when to use their Eye Beams and should no longer inadvertently blind oncoming traffic.
Metamorphosis now properly includes a pupal stage in which the Demon Hunter is encased in a beautiful chrysalis.
Fallout is unchanged. It never changes.
Fiery Brand now has a chance to spawn an NPC, Fiery Brand Manager, who tweets fresh, spicy memes on the Demon Hunter’s behalf.
Last Resort redesigned: this is now the last talent you can ever choose. Seriously, do not choose this talent unless you’ve completely exhausted all other options. You’ve been warned.
New Specialization: ANGERY
Unlike Havoc or Vengeance, ANGERY Demon Hunters gain their power through sheer, unadulterated rage.
Use canonically ANGERY abilities like “Teef Snarl” to do your enemies a real frighten.
Work with other ANGERY Demon Hunters to defeating the foulest of demons: the VEGETAL.
Celestial Alignment needs to be checked out by your mechanic every 10,000 miles or so.
New Moon has been in the game for a while now, and has been renamed “Moon”.
Starfall, when combined with Stellar Drift and Starsurge, now causes Starlord and Shooting Stars to all run together and confuse you.
Fixed a bug where Bleed effects could be reflected onto you. No one causes you to bleed your own blood!
Moment of Clarity now has a 40% increased chance of causing your character to proclaim “Eureka!” when it procs.
Rip removed. RIP Rip.
Guardian Druids’ total health has been reduced by 50%. Let’s see if they notice!
Stampeding Roar now gives the Druid the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire. ‘Cause you are a champion!
Typhoon is now called “Hurricane” in the Western hemisphere.
Healing Druids who keep failing to use their Clearcasting procs on the most efficient targets in the raid are going to lose their spot. I’m talking about the tanks here, Brad. Why would you cast Regrowth on yourself?!
Innervate can now only be cast on the first healer to call for it in voice chat.
Swiftmend now makes a pleasing sound that appropriately complements the visual of your mana disappearing at an alarming rate.
New talent: Energy Shot – Slam down 1.5 ounces of unfortunate tasting green coffee extract, sugar, amino acids, and B vitamins. 5-hour cooldown.
Stomp now causes your Dire Beasts to deal bonus Physical damage in a unique percussion group that combines body and ordinary objects to thrill and amaze the audience.
Random extra beasts who just show up to your party uninvited are now required to at least give you a few bucks to pay for the drinks.
Trick Shot no longer causes Aimed Shot to fire fidget spinners. Those tricks were never really impressive in the first place.
Piercing Shot will now reverse the effects of Binding Shot, as intended.
In addition to its previous effects on Arcane Shot and Multi-Shot, Trueshot will now also cause Bursting Shot and Concussive Shot to trigger Counter Shot.
The word ‘Shot’ is starting to look weird, like it doesn’t even mean anything anymore.
Thas’dorah, Legacy of the Windrunners has been returned to the Windrunners, who are kind of upset that you had it all this time. It’s their legacy, man.
Aspect of the Eagle now causes you to take on the form of the only surviving person who can really perform “Hotel California” anymore.
Spitting Cobra removed because it wasn’t a very nice experience.
Survival Hunters will now always be the last players alive when a group wipes. We apologize for only just coming to this realization after all these years of the spec’s name.
Added support for keyboards with fewer than one button.
Casting Evocation now alerts all other mana-using specs in your group that they should be so very envious of you right now.
Unstable Magic is fine. Really, it’s fine. What’s your problem anyway?
Presence of Mind has been renamed Presents of Mind. Enjoy your creepy brain gifts.
Fireball was feeling kind of puny, so we made it twice as large. It’s okay, fella. You’re still the most important thing in the rotation, promise.
Flame Patch now causes Flamestrike to leave behind one of six collectible patches that are available to convention attendees only.
Heating Up to a Hot Streak of four consecutive crits now activates the new effect Hottest of the Hot, causing all your damage dealing spells to cast at the same time. This can only happen once per week, but trust us, it’s pretty lit.
Fingers of Frost no longer sometimes break off embarrassingly and everyone stops talking and looks at you awkwardly while you bend over and pick it up and then what are you supposed to do with a dismembered frostfinger?
Lonely Winter no longer makes it so that you can’t summon your Water Elemental. You can, but something’s different between you.
Blizzard now hits harder against targets that aren’t properly dressed for it.
Keg Smash has been replaced with a less-wasteful alternative: Barrel Roll. This ability can only be used by pressing Z or R twice.
Leg Sweep now knocks down only one opponent. Do you have a problem with that?!
Fortifying Brew is now fortified with iodine, a necessary nutrient.
Mistweaver Monks now say “chi” when using their S.E.L.F.I.E. cams.
Thunder Focus Tea can now be combined with a bit of milk and a few drops of vanilla extract to produce a lovely hot beverage for all seasons.
Monks who cast Revival at the exact same time the Priest cast Divine Hymn are now officially the worst.
Blackout Kick, Rising Sun Kick, and Spinning Crane Kick can now be combined to create new and exciting moves such as:
Spin Out Kick – You go around and around and do no damage, but it’s soooo fun.
Spitting Raisin Kick – You annoy your opponent with saliva-covered dried grape projectiles … while kicking them.
Black Hole Sun Kick – Washes away the rain.
Strike of the Windlord is set to carry on into its sixth week, as salary negotiations broke down yesterday in heated talks with management.
Touch of Death has been replaced with the equally terrifying new spell “Wee Bit of Fatality”.
Storm, Earth, and Fire has finally renewed their cellular service and should once again heed your calls.
Holy Paladins are asked to please stop leaving fish in the fridge at work. We don’t know who’s doing this, but we know it’s a Holy Paladin.
Crusader’s Might has been redesigned with more indecision. After all, you can never tell what a Crusader might do. Hell, they might not.
Holy Prism no longer has any holes in it, and is once again a complete and smooth Prism.
Equipping The Silver Hand again causes you to come in second place behind players who use The Gold Hand. But at least you beat those Bronze Hand losers.
Avenger’s Shield, when combined with a Stone of Infinity, now summons Captain Azeroth, a goody-two-shoes Paladin NPC who can do this all day.
Fixed a bug where Consecration was lighting you up from really bad angles, giving you a lot of anxiety over how you look in screenshots.
Shield of the Righteous is now 20% less smug.
Crusade now causes you to go on Twitter and retweet people ranting about whatever lost cause you’re going on about today, but I’m pretty sure most of your followers have you muted at this point.
Divine Storm damage increased again this year. I tell ya they sure seem to be getting worse.
Eye for an Eye counterattack damage increased by 200%. It wasn’t leaving the whole world blind, as intended.
Atonement no longer requires the recipient to unequip their gear and walk through the streets of Stormwind. Shame!
Plea is now 25% less pathetic.
Priests who cast Divine Hymn at the exact same time the Monk cast Revival are now officially the worst.
Several new Holy Words have been added:
Holy Word: Fragrance – It’s not very effective but at least you smell nice.
Holy Word: Document – Causes nearby party and raid members to-HEY! It looks like you’re trying to write a patch note. Need some help?
Holy Word: Firefly – Abruptly short cast time with an uneventful finish. At least you can cast Holy Word: Serenity later?
Your Knaifu now speaks to you twice as often.
Your Knaifu can no longer be added to your ignore list. You really shouldn’t have done that.
Fixed a bug where you and your Knaifu never have any good ideas for dinner.
Your Knaifu now speaks to you three times as often.
Fan of Knives has been modified to have a bit more room to hang his favorite blades on the main wall in his bedroom.
Rogues who cast their finishing moves at only 3 Combo Points are now highlighted in the group window for their raid leaders and that one guy who’s always telling you how to play your class. I mean, he’s not wrong, he’s just annoying.
Blade Flurry is now defaulted to ‘on’ at all times. We’re not even sure if you can turn it off anymore.
Deeper Strategem now provides you with 5% more mind-blowing ideas while you’re in the shower.
Opportunity no longer seems as though it procs but once in a lifetime.
Fixed a bug where Relentless Strikes would sometimes relent.
While players in all other specs are busy doing Professions or Holiday Events or Pet Battles, Subtlety Rogues are now required to study the blade.
Stormkeeper has managed to lose track of the storm somehow and has been fired. If anyone you know has prior Stormkeeping experience, please have them fill out an application at jobs.blizzard.com.
FROST SHOCK! Haha, remember that video? Good times. Anyway, we nerfed Lava Burst.
Lightning Bolt and Chain Lightning have had their existing visual effects removed entirely.
New ability: Sentry Totem – Summons an immobile Sentry Totem that doesn’t really do anything.
Feral Spirit now summons 3 wolves to fight for you (was 2). We have no idea how we ever thought that 2 wolves were enough wolves.
Rockbiter should no longer cause Shaman with the Boulderfist talent to chew their fingernails. Seriously, it’s gross, stop it.
Removed: Sentry Totem.
To better differentiate between the Shaman and Druid healing specs, Restoration Shaman has been renamed “Ocean Shaman.” We believe this new spec identity will take healing Shaman by the hand and lead them to the land that they understand.
Torrent is now properly subject to digital rights management systems. Anyone found using Torrent illegally will be prosecuted.
Wellspring has had its healing effect reduced by 30%, and its name changed to “Alrightspring.”
Crashing Waves has completed a remedial driver’s education course and should hopefully be back on the road once the shop finishes putting its RX-7 back together.
Soul Flame now gives you Soul Glow. Just let it shine through.
New ability: Richard Coil, which replaces Mortal Coil for Affliction Warlocks. It does essentially the same thing as Mortal Coil, but includes a vague reference to that one cartoon series everyone’s been making lame jokes about for the last couple of years.
Seed of Corruption now has a chance to apply Agony or Unstable Affliction in addition to Corruption. We got the packets mixed up and frankly we can’t tell them apart anyway.
Warlocks who choose both the Shadow Embrace and Death’s Embrace talents should probably stop being such edgelords.
Seems like they’re in a really good place right now.
Havoc now causes all other players within a 30 yard radius to stop and look over their shoulders to see what you’re doing over there.
For the third consecutive year, Cataclysm is about 10% better regarded than it was before.
Fixed a bug where Reverse Entropy worked. Considering quantum mechanics, it’s clearly not possible to reverse entropy in this deterministic universe.
Channel Demonfire now exclusively plays infomercials between 2 and 6 AM.
In response to feedback that there was not enough difference between Arms and Fury, we’ve added two more arms to all Arms Warriors. Visit the Barber Shop to customize the exact placement of your third and fourth arms.
New ability: Test Your Might. Display the sheer physical strength of your four arms by mashing buttons repeatedly.
Defensive Stance has not received any changes. Defensive Stance doesn’t NEED to change. Defensive Stance is doing just fine without your help, thanks.
Slam will now appropriately welcome nearby players to the jam.
When you select this spec, your character will no longer have upper body appendages.
Corrected an issue allowing some Warriors to select both Endless Rage and War Machine. Rage should now always correctly be against the Machine.
Furious Slash has, unfortunately, not been replaced with a really angry guitarist. We really wanted to, but the licensing alone would have cost a FORTUNE.
Into the Fray should now correctly inform Protection Warriors how to save a life.
Inspiring Presence has been made 200% more inspirational. Hang in there!
The entire Protection Warrior toolkit has been re-designed with Spell Reflection as the primary focus. They protecc, and they attacc, but most importantly, they reflecc.
April 1 (source)
With the popularity of micro-holidays like Call of the Scarab and the Kirin Tor Tavern Crawl, we’ve decided to add more small vacations to the pint-sized getaways we call micro-holidays. From now on, almost every day in WoW will present an opportunity to celebrate a thing, earn a thing, win a thing, or accept a task to run around gathering things with the reward of getting other, different things!
Looking for Queue
Tired of unrealistic, remote queuing in-game? Bored by your ability to continue questing as groups are forming? Then this is the micro-holiday for you. For the duration of Looking For Queue (LFQ), the only way players can enter a dungeon is to stand in line outside the dungeon of their choice. There will be four separate lines for Tank, DPS, Healer, and Queueing As The Wrong Role To Get In Quick. Make new friends in line! Bring popcorn! Don’t queue for a role you don’t intend to play!
The Itsy-Bitsy Teeny-Weeny Uber-Nano-Holiday
[00:01:11-00:01:21 PST, 09:01:11-09:01:21 CEST]
The smallest of our holiday events lasts a mere ten seconds and rewards the illustrious title ‘The Unblinker.’ The title is available for you to use for the full duration of the holiday, so head over to the Caverns of Time to take part and impress your friends with this rarity! The event starts at 00:01:11 and finishes at 00:01:21 CEST on a day that will be announced four and a half seconds before the event starts. Stay on your toes! Or maybe just stay logged in and fairly close to Anachronos. Just in case.
The Yes-Fly Zone
Experience Azeroth from the skies! In fact, only from the skies! When this event is active, there will be no walking, no ground mounts, and absolutely no running, please—that’s how stuff gets broken and why we can’t have nice things. Players without the flying ability—or no flying mount—will simply float above the ground where they last logged out, regretting many of their in-game life choices.
We’re All Elves Now
For three days, every race will become an elf variant, making Azeroth even more absolutely fabulous than usual. For example, tauren become Hoof Elves, worgen become Woof Elves, orcs become Very Angry Elves, goblins become Avoid Elves etc. Every player will also gain three racial traits for the duration of the event.
Every Elf for Himself: Removes all stun effects, but somehow leaves the player even more stunning than usual.
Elf, I Need Somebody: Help! Not just anybody. Help! You know I need someone. No, really. I’m pretty lonely.
Elf and Safety: Even in the fiercest of battles, your hair will remain up to 70% Unruffled and has zero chance to become Completely Disheveled.
Future Timewalking Event
Good news, everyone! Chromie has travelled forward in time to patch 23.1 and brought a dungeon back to us—scaled down—to enjoy right now! When you play through the new dungeon, tokens will drop which allow you to buy items from the new Future Timewalking faction: The D’Loreion.
New mount: Time Traveler’s Tundra Mammoth. This mount features six NPCs who can help you with repairs, transmog, food and drink, future-you problems, past-you problems, and current-you problems that may or may not be problems for either past- or future-you but have been solved somewhere else on the timeline you are apparently on right now.
This mount is bigger on the inside.
Two new pets: one will hatch in 2023, and the other six minutes before you read this.
The D’Loreion grant buffs throughout the event, including:
Mark of the Traveled: Movement speed increased by 0.000008% per 0.1 meters traveled. So on a trajectory of 8 meters, you can expect to gain momentum incrementally, to a maximum speed boost of quite a lot.
Legacy of the Jet Lag: The time displayed on your minimap will display anywhere between three to four hours ahead of your current time.
Power Word: BAM: Attack Power increased by 3 seconds.
RP Walk is the Only Walk
We think this one speaks for itself. RP walk only. Browse. Take your time. Enjoy.
Geographically Themed Faction Ownership (GTFO)
To unify Kalimdor and Eastern Kingdoms more effectively, Blood Elves will swap with the Draenei to make sure the Alliance and the Horde have full control of one continent each for the duration of GTFO. To that end, the Draenei home of Exodar will be run by the Blood Elves and Silvermoon by the Draenei. Goodness only knows how this one will turn out, we don’t expect it will be popular. Although when the factions swap back at the end of the event, they’re really going to like what the other side did with the place. Who knew Silvermoon City was crying out for groups of blue crystals? Who’d have imagined the Exodar just needed a lick of gold paint to feel like a whole new place?
Boom and Bust!
Good news for miners! You can now use rock-chain mining technology to mine a new geo-currency: Critcoin. Critcoin sits in your currency tab, appreciating and depreciating at a rate that will make your head spin. One Critcoin can be worth 15,000 gold one day and three Interesting Rocks the next. Use it to buy things. That is, if you can find a vendor who accepts geo-currency. It’s very new, all this.
Margoss Retreat Day
Pick up your pole, loop your lures, and fish up a feast of Drowned Mana. On Margoss Retreat Day, take a break from the hectic world of smiting demons and undercutting people in the Auction House to sit back, cast your line, and relax. Please note: During Margoss Retreat Day there will be no other fishing in any part of Azeroth. If you cast your line into water, you will receive increasingly passive-aggressive error messages until you stop. So you just think about that.
Repeat Everything Day Repeat Everything Day Day
Repeatable daily quests can now be repeated within the same day, rewarding exactly the same reward you got the first time around! Keep earning that same gold, reputation, or tokens as long as the day is long—for absolutely no benefit whatsoever whatsoever!
What A Short, Predictable Trip It’s Been!
You’ve guessed it! This is when all the micro-holidays will be active at once, for one day only. If you attend every event, you’ll earn the meta-achievement What A Short, Predictable Trip It’s Been, which rewards Reins of the Violent Eschatos-Drake. The Violent Eschatos-Drake is as troublesome as the name implies. Don’t fly too high on this one, it bucks you off every 15 seconds. Every time you’re dropped from the mount you get a buff—Bucked Off—which increases your flying speed by 0.5%. If you gain 20 stacks of Bucked Off, you earn the achievement Totally and Utterly Bucked Off, to prove your questionable staying power in the face of logic and reason.
We will announce other micro-holidays throughout the year, but here’s a list of the ones coming your way soon!
Mailbox Dancing Day
The Great Bank and Bags Clean-Up
Level 1 Battlegrounds Day
The Scarlet Monastery of Silly Walks
EVERYTHING IS REALLY LOUD Day
Visit Every Zone Day
The Tirin Kor Cavern Trawl
If you have suggestions for more, leave them in the comments below.