You know what is an everlasting bastard? When people fall from grace spectacularly. Y’all. A picture was circulating last week and I had to make sure it wasn’t photoshop. It was of baseball great, Sammy Sosa, standing on the streets of London and it scared the bejeez out of me. Just look at this:
BLOOD OF GIDEON AND EMMANUEL. WHAT IS THIS?!? Why is Brother Sosa out here looking like the ghost of self-hate present? Whappened?? Sammy looking like he wants to take my healthcare away.
At first, I was all “wait, maybe he has vitiligo. We can’t make fun of him if that’s the case.” But noooo, this bamma ain’t got nobody’s vitiligo. In an interview he did years ago, when someone asked him that, he said ”
“I use a cream to keep my skin smooth and soft. I apply it before I go to bed. When I was playing for Chicago all those years, I was in the sun a lot for 1 o’clock games. The flashes (from the cameras) also made my skin look lighter. I’m surprised with the controversy this has caused.”
Niglet, bye! Soooooo when you looked like an actual person and not the turkey we picked out to make on Thanksgiving, it was because of the sun? When you had that amazing broned skin, kissed by melanin magic, it was from camera flashes? My dude, you a good ass lie and the truth is not in you. I know bleached skin when I see it, because coming from Nigeria where it is far too common, that gray undertone is super familiar.
Why do people lie to terribly? The sun is somewhere like “I got power but Nah.” You ain’t ‘posed to be out here with skin looking like uncooked chicken, Sammy. This wasn’t supposed to be your portion. Someone on Twitter said he looks like a pinky toe and I almost DIED.
Of course when I shared this photo on my Awesomely Luvvie Facebook fan page, y’all tried to kill me with laughter! I was hollering reading these comments.
Ebs: How is turning yourself into Mr Willis from The Jefferson’s ok 😔
Laura: He looks like his name is Chad and he’s reporting live from Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
K.D.: Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Not even Fenty has a shade for that. #terrible
Luvvie: Fenty like “we ain’t got it.”
Janelle: Is he auditioning for a White Chicks remake????
Wise: that bamma look like he sells Amway and Five Links. Sammy Sosa out here looking like a budget Jerry Lewis
Luvvie: CLEARANCE Jerry Lewis. The one that says “final sale”
Wise: Behind the beat up tagless shirts
Luvvie: And it says “As is with defects.”
Wise: Sammy Sosa, when getting it white ain’t quite right.
Venus: How did he end up looking like Jay Leno??? 😭
Cee: Looking like a used car salesman
Nerlande: Looking like a used car.
Latisha: Baby, I thought this was dude who does the announcements on Jimmy Fallon……#irememberdarksammy
Havalen: Now he just looks like an old British man that knows where the best fish and chips shops are.
Marie: Hmm does this mean his “original flavor” baseball cards are worth more now or completely worthless? Any new ones will be uglass
Shaquane: Somebody said he look like a chubby Count Dracula 🧛♂️ 😂 😂 😂
Eva: For people who bleach, I have questions… Like your belly button. Is it wasteful to put it in there? And your backside, you know… close to the nether regions… in the inbetween… do you just skip that? Inside the ears is that safe? The eyelids. When you blink, are those still brown? In the eyelashes… will you always look like you have on eyeliner? Armpits – is there a reaction with deodorant. I just wonder how much suffering is involved in trying to be white and such. There has to be a point where you say that between the burning and the clowning that it is just too much, right?
Deidre: Is that the new crayon color called Whink (white & pink)?
Angela: Omg I thought Chris Christie had lost weight! 🤭
Eva: He’s clearly skipping parts. Dude behind him is wearing shorts. He got on EVERYTHING in his closet. Sweater, coat, hands in pockets, scarf… #FacebookForensics
Neesha: Sammy out here looking like Jake from State Farm. 😭 😭
Monique: I swear I thought this was someone’s #WayBackWednesday Halloween picture. He looks like he just stepped out of his vampiric slumber for a night out on the town.
Danielle: I call that shade newborn pink.
Carnell: This dude looks like Poppin’ Fresh without the hat.
Eva: Last question… what kind of theatrical makeup is he using to hide that ever present 5 o clock shadow he used to have? This whole thing has left me with nothing but questions.
JG: Who is that jolly white man?
Mark: Let’s see his elbows and knuckles see if he a patch work quilt
Tsipa: He looks suspiciously like my ex-husband…who is a pasty biologist from Yorkshire. Like, are we sure his name isn’t Simon? *compares wedding photos*
Didi: He is now unseasoned… Rest in Blandness. 💀 🤷🏾♀️ 🤣
Sabrina: He could be the ghost on Scooby Doo like “and I would’ve gotten away with if not for those pesky kids”
Shatani: he looks like the man on the Operation board game
Kayce: I literally thought this was dan ackroyd
Rob: Ish like this is the reason why people say, “on a scale of dominican to nigerian, how proud are you to be black”…. this right here.
Kiki: He looks like he smells like farts and cologne
Richard: Who aspires to look like Ted Cruz after dermabrasion?
Lydia: Maybe it’s not really him. Maybe this guy is some deranged fan who got plastic surgery to look like him and has the real Sammy chained in his basement. Because dayum…he done reverse engineered himself.
Christina: He looks like Ernest Borgnine. Wtf!
Gina: He is outchere looking like erased paper and evaporated milk. He is Pecola Brreedlove’s dream of whiteness granted by a malevolent and petty genie. He has destroyed perfectly good melanin for this clown arsed result.
Osoojee: I’ve never been able to look at Neapolitan ice cream in the same way.
Noelle: I worry that if someone touches his paper thin skin it will split open like rotten fruit
Kaye: And this fool is proud?! Lookin like some old dried up Elmer’s glue! Ole clay stick lookin a—!
Joy: What in the reverse Dolzeal…?
Jane: As if we don’t have enough old white farts running around.
Monique: Sammy is the neighborhood HOA president, and he will rough you up.
Rick: He looks like you better bring the kids inside to play today.
Denise: Sammy looking like he purchased ALLLLL the tiki torches and khakis at target and brought them to Charlottesville.
Jacquie: You just KNOW he’s forgotten how to season food now.
Melissa: Wait a gosh dern moment. This fool wants us to believe he is dark because of playing in the sun??! This fool is Dominican. My Dominican friends don’t play baseball so why they still dark??
Lanene: Of all the things he could’ve done to himself on purpose like comb his hair or brush his teeth, he chose to change himself into an aging white man??? He must’ve forgotten that BLACK DON’T CRACK. BLACK Sammy, NOT white!!! Sheesh. Help em y’all cause I’m through!
John: That’s not Sammy Sosa that’s my mom’s weird cousin from her uncle’s affair who sells insurance and is a part-time youth pastor and swears he’s not gay even tho his dog’s name is Ms. Hepburn.
Portia: Bow your heads and lettuce pray. Sweet baby Jesus with hair like lambs wool and feet like potted brass, touch your once melanin rich child Sammy who has bleached himself into Biff from the Hamptons. Bring him back. Give him his own personal sun to tan him back to reality. Place him in the fire filled furnace. Give him 10 seconds of unprotected burn. He needs a miracle. We ask this in the mighty name of Black Jesus.
Jasmine: What in the actual f@$k? I have a question… Do the ancestors take away your anti-aging magic when you bleach your skin? Is he going to start aging like buttermilk and banana peels now that he’s denounced his melanin?
Judith: He looks like Nathan Lane and Bat Boy had a baby.
CJ: I mean, your face is beige but what about your genitals? Your booty cheeks? How you explaining this to a paramour?
Luvvie: OMGGG I hadn’t even thought about that. Is his peen chocolate while the rest of him is vanilla AF? How does that look in the dark?
Brittany: He looks like a whole Josh Gad.
Monique: Sammy Sosa went from Dominican baseball player, to Jewish uncle from Brooklyn.
Lynn: I showed this to my husband and he said it’s like someone had to describe Ted Cruz to a police sketch artist.
Yulanda: Sammy Sousa outcha looking like Grandpa from the Munsters.
Karen: This man said the camera flash makes his skin look lighter. *takes selfie with flash…nope, STILL black* Sammy, Sammy, Sammy….pobrecito
Teri: He’s going to play Chris Christie in the Lifetime movie.
Shonnese: He looks like a skinned peacock. Like, he and melanin got into a slap-fight and he lost…everything. He looks like life made a left turn when it realized Sammy Sosa was aiming for “shade not found in Fenty Beauty” as his ultimate goal. He looks like a rubber bath mat and regret. Bless.
Jennifer: This is fake news, right? I refuse to believe that this servant of the Night’s King, this White Walker right here, is Sammy Sosa. No, ma’am.
Haley: I need to know who even recognized him enough to take a photo! And we’re going to need A trip to Maury for a DNA test to determine whether or not this is the REAL Sammy Sosa.
Mak: Sammy looks like he needs to be seasoned, basted and put back in the oven for at least an hour or three. I know his giblets are already gone…
JaRonn: You say he’s Sammy Sosa? Ok, but why is he inside out?
Linda: No. Looking like a busted open can of biscuits.
Matt: Gurl he looks like the Penguin has done gone and impregnated someone. Come out the cave Sammy, the air is fine!
Crissy: Wow I had no idea this was Sammy Sosa. I thought this was some dude badly cosplaying as Sherlock Holmes.
Melissa: Sammy is whiter than most Southern debutantes I’ve ever met. Sammy just created a new shade for Fenty and is actively trying to get Rihanna to call him back. Sammy’s skin looks like it feels like the sole of an Old Navy $1 flip flop. By the way, who really thinks that Sammy bleached his dick? If I were his woman, that shit and its chemicals ain’t running up in me because… infections abound.
Merita: His inner eye where he can’t get the cream to bleach just freaks me out. It just looks like there is a black man hidden behind a mask that don’t fit quite right.
Tamyra: I’m concerned…..but I also bout wanna know exactly what he’s using. I could use a lil on these stubborn dark inner thigh meats.
Raja: He looks like Dracula’s first day out of the coffin since 1861 and he is trying to blend in with the commoners.
Shontae: That boy out here looking like Dan Aykroyd in Nothing but Trouble and a 3 pound pack of ground chicken.
Kristin: He fell all the way through the Sunken Place and now he’s looking like Bob about to get mauled by a demodog from the Upside Down.
Sylvia: What mother of the Usher Board did the Pillsbury Panda steal this scarf from? The self-hate is real in this one. Went from beautifully bronzed to pasty dough disaster.
Melissa: Sammy Sosa got stock in industrial strength Ambi cuz ain’t no way a camera flash did this. My dude been soaking in a tub full of this shit, twice a day, for years. Or he got some doctor who specializes in genetic manipulation and erased the melanin, but the side effect is that it gave him vampire-like properties – thats why we never see pictures of his ass out in the daytime, or eating garlic heavy dishes. Bet he never wears real silver jewelry either and hasn’t been inside a church in years.
Kevin: Sammy looking like a bottle of pepto and Ted Cruz mated and nine months later…..out pops Sammy’s long lost pink azz twin brother,Jammy Sosa. The real Sammy is in witness protection somewhere.
Esther: He was so cute as himself. He now looks like a carb-faced aging frat boy named Todd.
Shari: Oh my Lordt. I just laughed so hard reading this post that I tooted unexpectedly. #laughtulence
Carrie: This just straight up started a fight with me and my husband. He refuses to believe this is Sosa. I’m mad he’s doubting you. In Luvvie I trust!! But we’re both speechless.
Alicia: Y’all Sammy out here looking like the 100th copy of a Ross Matthew clone. The copy just isn’t as sharp as the original.
Vicki: Sammy looks like he hit that contour and highlight palette a little too hard then Photoshopped the phuck outta himself with a Big and Tall catalog photo.
Lori: So…when he gets naked he looks like he’s wearing a tan onesie? I mean, how must that look? Ooh, this is just….smh….NO, SAMMY, STOP.
Denisha: I am so tired of having to accept ppl with their new faces. We all need to band together and truly turn the other cheek when they come around looking unrecognizable. Change your name too because it’s just too hard to get over.
Ana: What the Vanilla Tootsie Roll hell is this???? I wouldn’t have known who this was if you hadn’t captioned that photo!!!
Courtney: He looks like a freshly shaved bear. Who lied to him and told him this was a good look? Did he not have enough for his hands? I️ have so many questions.
Kim: What in the cornmeal battered deep fried crispy f**k? He fell into the basement of the Sunken Place.
Lanene: Well if he was aiming for a white Christmas, he definitely hit his mark! #whodat
Courtney: It’s unfortunate timing to be going around looking like creepier Kevin Spacey.
Christopher: Looks like he’s about to wreck up NYC until the Ghostbusters show up.
Michelle: Looking like he belongs on a string of white Christmas lights. Just a whole replacement bulb.
Maria: Sosa out here looking like Trump’s dreams come true.
This is just highly unfortunate. We gon pray for Sammy. I mean, melanin has abandoned him now so we will be watching him starting to age like an avocado.
Parents, hug your children and tell them to love the skin they’re in. Cuz… nah.